Sweet Dreams
by Moyashi.beansprout
Summary: A crackfilled crack story with CRACK. Ping! Every chapter is a new dream of Allen's. Rated for later chapters, in which there will be Yullen.
1. Chapter 1

**SWEET DREAMS**

By Gaarin and Mizuhara

* * *

Gaarin: Haha lol a new fic! This fic will be full of crack in every way and form and probably won't make sense to anyone but me and Mizu.

Mizuhara: This story is by both of us, so if you like it, read more of our stories and then vote for me.

Gaarin: ... Cheater.

Mizuhara: Love you bitch!

Gaarin: This story will be rated M for some chapters. Also there will be Yullen (aka KandaxAllen).

Mizuhara: Enjoy!

* * *

Allen pulled the blanket over himself, and yawned. "Aaah, it's going to be a good night's sleep!" he said to himself. "Sweet dreams!"

Oh, if only he'd known.

He rolled over onto his side, closed his eyes, and fell asleep.


	2. The doctor is in

And then Allen woke up.

"Wow, that was a pretty short sleep," he mumbled.

He blinked twice.

"Cheesus, where am I?"

Allen was in what looked like a hospital room, surrounded by medical equipment. He was lying on an uncomfortable bed, and wearing a flimsy floral-print gown. Suddenly he heard a deep chuckle.

"Well, look who's awake. Good morning, sleeping beauty."

A man with a cane was smiling down at Allen, with a cynical glint in his eye that made the smile seem completely fake or mocking.

Allen immediately covered himself. "Um, I, um… I don't know who you are, but I _should_ be in the Black Order… um…"

The man laughed with a sarcastic edge. "Nice try, darling, but you're not goin' back to Kansas yet. And if you think _this_ is bad, just you wait."

Allen asked bewilderedly, "Wait… for what?"

The man grinned again. "And as for who I am, you can call me the doctor."

"Doctor who?"

"Not quite," the man replied, "but it'll suffice. Anyways, have fun!"

"Have fun with wha-"

The man raised his cane and promptly brought it down on Allen's head. The world blacked out.


	3. Where it all started

And then Allen woke up.

"Where am I?" Allen asked tiredly. He slowly lifted himself off of what appeared to be some kind of Lawn chair. He blinked a few times and realized he was at an outdoor pool. From the looks of it there was no one there except him and two pre teen girls.

"Hey you know what we should do?" the taller girl asked, turning to the shorter.

"What?"

"We should make a fan fic in which Allen gets stuck in a loop of never ending crack nightmares." Allen blinked again before realizing that these two girls appeared to be talking about him.

"Yeah whatever you say" The shorter girl rolled her eyes before standing and leaving.


	4. Avenue Q

And then Allen woke up.

He wiped his brow of sweat, being thankful to be back in his own bed. He then got up to go to breakfast and ask Lavi and Lenalee what the dreams might mean.

Lavi was in the Black Order cafeteria, chatting away with Lenalee about some new mission. He stopped talking for a bit, and there was a small period of silence. The Exorcist twiddled his thumbs together, and said, "Say, Lenagirl, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure!" replied Lenalee.

Lavi paused and then said, "Well, you know Komui Lee upstairs?"

"Uh huh," replied Lenalee.

Lavi said, "Well, he's Komui Lee... and you're Lenalee Lee."

"Right!" said Lenalee.

Lavi said slowly, "You're both Lees."

"Yeah..."

Lavi asked quickly, "Are you two related?"

Lenalee stood up angrily, and exclaimed, "What? Lavi, I'm surprised at you! I find that racist!"

The Bookman raised his hands above his head in surrender, and replied indignantly, "Oh, well, I'm sorry! I was just asking!"

Lenalee put her hands on her hips, and said snobbily, "Well, it's a touchy subject. No, not all Lees are related. What are you trying to say, huh? That we all look the same to you? Huh, huh, huh?"

Lavi stood up, and tried to place a comforting hand on Lenalee's shoulder as he protested. "No, no, no! Not at all! I'm sorry, I guess that was a little racist."

Lenalee huffed, crossing her arms. "I should say so. You should be much more careful when you're talking about the

sensitive subject of race."

Lavi nodded, and then shook his head in disbelief. "Well, look who's talking!" he accused.

"What do you mean?" replied Lenalee in confusion.

"What about that special Lee family you told me about?"

"What about it?"

Lavi asked, "Could someone like me go there?"

Lenalee immediately replied, "No, we don't want people like you-"

"You see?" interrupted Lavi. He climbed a chair and stood on the table, looking down at Lenalee annoyedly.

He began to sing. "You're a little bit racist."

"Well, you're a little bit too!" protested Lenalee in song.

Lavi shrugged and sang, "I guess we're both a little bit racist."

Lenalee crossed her arms defensively and murmured, "Admitting it is not an easy thing to do..."

"But I guess it's true!" continued Lavi.

"Between me and you, I think-"

Lenalee stood on the table, and began to sing with Lavi.

"Everyone's a little bit racist- Sometimes! Doesn't mean we go around committing... hate crimes! Look around and you will find that no one's really color blind."

The two Exorcists joined hands, and began to dance around.

"Maybe it's a fact we all should fa-a-a-ace... Everyone makes judgments- Based on race."

Lavi scoffed and said, "Now not big judgments, like who to hire, or who to buy a newspaper from-"

"No!" interjected Lenalee.

Lavi smiled, and said, "Nooo, just little judgments like thinking that Mexican finders should learn to speak goddamn English!"

Lenalee laughed, and then added, "Right!"

They burst into song again: "Everyone's a little bit racist... Today. So, everyone's a little bit racist- Oka-a-ay!"

Lavi sang loudly, "Ethnic jokes might be uncouth-"

"But you laugh because they're based on truth," finished Lenalee.

The pair sang in sync, "Don't take them as personal attacks... Everyone enjoys them- So relax!"

Lavi sat down on the edge of the table, and Lenalee sat down beside him. "All right," said the Bookman, "stop me if you've heard this one."

"Okay!" agreed Lenalee.

"There's a plane going down and there's only

one parachute. And there's an Exorcist, a Finder-"

"And a Noah!" chorused Lenalee.

Suddenly, a new voice rang into the conversation.

"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Lenalee?"

"Uh..." said Lavi and Lenalee as they turned to face Tyki, who was standing behind them, looking indignant.

The man raised his finger and accusingly pointed it at Lavi. "You were telling a Noah joke!"

Lavi shuffled, and said, "Well, sure, Tyki, but lots of people tell Noah jokes."

"I don't!" retorted Tyki.

Lavi stammered, and said, "Well, of course you don't - you're a Noah!" He paused. "But I bet you tell Asian jokes, right?

Tyki chuckled. "Well, sure I do. Those stupid Asians!"

Lavi fixed the older man with a look, and said, "Now, don't you think that's a little racist?"

Tyki stopped laughing, and his eyes widened. He said with surprise, "Well, damn. I guess you're right!"

"You're a little bit racist," chimed Lenalee.

Tyki looked affronted, and replied, "Well, you're a little bit too!"

Lavi put a hand on both of their shoulders, and sang peacefully, "We're all a little bit racist."

Tyki looked at the hand on him thoughtfully, and slung his arm around Lavi's shoulders too. "I think that I would have to agree with you."

"We're glad you do!" chorused Lavi and Lenalee.

"It's sad but true!" sang Tyki. "Everyone's a little bit racist- All right!"

"All right!" repeated Lenalee.

"All right!" repeated Lavi.

Tyki smiled, and sang, "Yeah, all right! Bigotry has never been exclusively white..."

They all harmonized, "If we all could just admit that we are racist- a little bit- Even though we all know that it's wrong, maybe it would help us... Get along!"

Lavi smiled, and said happily, "Oh, Christ, do I feel good!"

Tyki nodded, and said, "Now there was a fine, upstanding Noah!"

Lavi gave the man a confused look. "Who?"

Tyki replied blankly, "Jesus Christ."

Lenalee paused, and said stupidly, "But, Tyki, Jesus was white!"

Tyki shook his head. "No, Jesus was a Noah."

Lenalee said, "No, Jesus was white."

"No, I'm pretty sure that Jesus was a Noa-"

Lavi interrupted, and said, "Guys, guys! Jesus... was Jewish!"

The trio looked at each other, and then burst into riotous laughter.

Allen walked up to them, waving a hand in greeting. "Hey guys, what are you laughing about?"

Lavi said, wiping an eye, "Racism!"

Allen blinked, and muttered, "Cool."

A loud voice from behind Allen screeched out, "Moyashi! Come back here! You take out lecycuraburs!"

Lavi gave Allen a curious look, and asked, "What's that mean?"

Allen winced, and said quietly, "Um, recyclables."

Tyki, Lavi, and Lenalee began laughing again.

"Hey, don't laugh at him!" said Allen angrily. "How many languages do you speak?"

Lenalee chuckled. "Oh, come off it, Allen! Everyone's a little bit racist."

Allen said angrily, "I'm not!"

Lavi said, scrutinizing Allen, "Oh no?"

The British boy looked away. "Nope! How many Oriental wives have you got?"

Kanda ran up behind Allen, looking pissed off. "What? Moyashi!" he exclaimed angrily.

Lavi clicked his tongue, and sang quietly, "Allen, buddy, where you been? The term is Asian-American!"

Kanda said sweetly, draping his arms around the younger boy's shoulders, "I know you are no intending to be... But calling me Oriental- Offensive to me!"

Allen blushed, and said, "I'm sorry, honey, I love you."

Kanda replied, "And I love you."

Allen paused, and then said, "But you're racist, too."

Without hesitation, Kanda replied calmly, "Yes, I know."

He stood on a chair, and began singing loudly. "The Jews have all the money and the whites have all the power; and I'm always in taxi-cab with driver who no shower!"

Lavi and Lenalee sang, "Me too!"

Tyki muttered, "I can't even get a taxi!"

For the grand finale, everyone began to sing loudly and boisterously. "Everyone's a little bit racist! It's true- But everyone is just about as racist as you! If we all could just admit that we are racist- a little bit! And everyone stopped being so PC, maybe we could live in... Harmony!"

Kanda sang loudly, "Evlyone's a ritter bit lacist!"

The music that had been playing stopped, and everyone went back to their normal day.

Allen looked up. "Wait. Was this all just a dream? Why was Tyki here?"

The Noah winked, and waved at Allen.


	5. EXORCISTS IN HATS

And then Allen woke up.

He sat up in his bed, idly noticing that Kanda was lying beside him. He yawned, stretched, and sat up.

Then he reached up to his head, and felt a hat on it. Bemusedly, he pulled the hat off, and observed it. It was pink, with a small yellow flower on the top. Allen wondered why he was wearing an interestingly effeminate hat, and then froze mid-thought.

Kanda... was lying... _beside him_.

Allen freaked out, standing straight up. He looked at the Japanese Exorcist who was draped over his bed, snoring loudly.

"Why is Kanda here... OH MY SWEET JESUS!"

Behind Kanda, leaning against the wall, was a man who was obviously dead. There were numerous stabbing marks all over his chest, and his hands were missing. His eyes had rolled back in his head eerily, and a trail of blood dripped from one of them.

Allen's cry woke Kanda, who stood up groggily, rubbing his head. He seemed to be wearing a long green cap. He scratched his head, and then saw Allen, who was looking at him in shock.

"Kanda! There is a dead human in my room!" exclaimed the younger teen in complete shock.

Kanda stopped moving completely, and bit his lip. "Oh... hey... how did he get here?" he said in a completely unconvincing tone.

Allen's jaw dropped, and he pointed an accusing finger at the other teen. "Kaaaaanda! What did you dooo?"

Kanda replied quickly, "Me? Uh... I didn't do this!"

Allen crossed his arms irritatedly, having gotten over the initial shock of discovering the body. "Explain what happened, Kanda!"

The Japanese Exorcist gave the corpse a nervous glance, and then attested loudly, "I've never seen him before in my life!"

Allen shouted, "Why did you kill this person, Kanda?"

Dark eyes darted around the room, searching for an escape, before slowly returning to meet Allen's silver gaze. "I do not kill people... that is- that is my least favourite thing to do!"

Allen walked around the bed, and said angrily, "Tell me, Kanda, exactly what you were doing before I woke up."

"All right, well, I was walking down the hallway..." replied Kanda.

"Okay?"

"I was, uh, I was walking into your room..."

"Yes...?"

"Watching you sleep..."

Allen, mildly creeped out, continued, "Go on..."

"And, uh... well, this guy walked in..."

"Okay?"

"So I went up to him..."

"Yes..."

"And I... I stabbed him thirty-seven times in the chest," replied the samurai unabashedly.

Allen stopped still, and then threw his hands up in the air. "Kaaaaaaaaanda! That _kills_ people!"

Kanda shrugged. "Oh, well, I didn't know that."

"How could you not know that?" screeched Allen.

Kanda made a small noise, and then said, "Yeah, I'm in the wrong here. I suck!"

Suddenly, Allen froze again, and then replied in a dark voice, "What happened to his hands?"

Kanda faked deafness, and said, "What's that?"

Afraid of the answer, Allen inquired in a shakier voice, "His hands. Why-why are they missing?"

The dark-haired samurai remained silent for a moment, and then took out Mugen and began to fidget with its sheath.

"Well, I kind of, uh, cooked them up. And ate them."

Allen paused for a moment before moaning in depression, "Kaaaaaaaaaanda!"

"I was hungry. And well, you know, when you crave hands, that's-"

"Why on _earth_ would you do that?" interjected Allen.

"I was hungry for hands," replied the older teen, "gimme a break!"

"Kaaaaaaanda!"

Kanda pulled himself together, puffing out his chest, and said proudly, "My stomach was making the rumblies that only hands would satisfy!"

Allen screamed hysterically, "What is wrong with you, Kanda?"

Kanda shrugged again. "Well, I kill people and I eat hands, that's two things!"

Allen was about to complain loudly again when Kanda stepped forward, an evil smile on his face. "Have I ever told you how good you look in a pink hat, Moyashi?"

The British teen paused, stymied momentarily. "Uhhh... no..."

Kanda only smiled as he stepped closer to the boy, pressing their lips together.

Allen broke away quickly with a loud "Fuck you! I'm not kissing you! You just ate someone's hands!"

Kanda smirked. "Well, I can wait until the next dream then."

"Wait, what?" said Allen as he was whisked away.

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Author's Note:

Hey readers! Confused as to what the actual fuck just happened? Check the bottom of our profile (just above the story listings) for a summary of each of the chapters and explanations for some of parts of a bit of them!

Love,

Gaarin~


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